December 13, 2010

• review

  I had my one-on-one with my manager the other day, and he gave me the results of this year's annual performance review. Overall, it was really good. Several of my clients said some really amazing things, and I was pleased to see that even the engineer I had asked for a review wrote a really good one (engineers are wild cards when it comes to reviews -- they tend to be really blunt and they never sugarcoat their dislike of lawyers, so I was secretly pleased to read that this one basically said that I changed his opinion about lawyers and he likes working with me).

  In our peer reviews, we write a general summary section, a section about the person's strengths, and a section about the person's areas for improvement or development. A couple of my reviewers left the last section empty, but several of them said that they think I have difficulty separating my work life from my personal life, and that I should consider working less at nights, on weekends, and on vacation. I found this rather amusing, since I was doing the work for their urgent projects, and I don't think they would actually be all that pleased if I were to try to unplug myself during my alleged free time.

  I realize that this is the kind of thing that you put into a review when you don't want to say anything negative about the person. It's just a token comment, something that my clients probably didn't really mean. It's like when people go into job interviews and when asked, "What's your greatest weakness?" they respond, "I'm a perfectionist, and I'm a workaholic."

  So I should be flattered that this is what my clients chose to say when asked if I have any weaknesses.

  But.

  Yes, there is a but.

  This is not my intention. I am not a workaholic. I am someone who prizes my free time and my personal life and my sleep and my weekends and my vacations. I never understood my dad when he would work long hours and not take all of his vacation time, or when we would go on vacation, and he would still be taking conference calls and exchanging faxes at the hotel. I left the law firm after only a few months when I realized that work would take over my life. I reveled in my strict 40-hours-a-week, 45-weeks-per-year job for four years. So how did I become this person who gets accused of being a workaholic? 

  I know that it's good for my career, to be perceived as a workaholic, but seeing it on my reviews inspires all kinds of mutinous, irresponsible thoughts. 

  "I have a good work-life balance. I only left my house once this weekend, and that was to go to a holiday party. I spent the rest of the time sleeping and reading. A workaholic would never do that."

  "I like my job, I like my company, but I'm not addicted. There's no '-aholic' going on here."

  "I could leave any time. I could leave and go travel for six months and find another job later."

  And yet, despite all of that (and aren't those all things that every ___aholic says), as I woke my computer up to write this blog entry, I couldn't actually bring myself to start writing it until I had responded to an email from a client. The email could have waited until tomorrow, but I was actually unable to make myself leave it unanswered overnight. When I realized that, I thought, "Does that make me a workaholic?" And I thought about it, and I still think the answer is no. I don't respond to emails in the middle of the night or on vacation because I am addicted to work. I do it because I live in a state of constant, irrational fear that I'm going to get fired. I have always had this fear in every job, and I can never shake it. No matter how many good reviews, raises, bonuses, promotions, or new jobs I get, I think I'm always going to feel and act this way until I have enough money to retire, because I'm never going to feel like I'm going to be able to fool everyone forever.

  So then I thought about it some more, and I still can't figure out why I think this way.

  Is it because my dad was always like that? He was always worried about being able to provide enough for our family; if he ever lost his job, then how would my parents pay the mortgage and tuition on just one income? Maybe his fear got passed on to me, but I don't have a mortgage and two private school kids to support. Is it because growing up and being expected to do everything perfectly (and never really succeeding), I got in the habit of thinking that I wasn't actually able to meet expectations without faking it? I don't think this is right, either, because I'm pretty sure that underneath all of it, I've decided that the world has very different standards than my parents, and I can pass muster out here better than I did when I was little. Also, I hate the thought that "oh, this is all because of my parents," it's just so cliche, and I would rather think my obsessions are of my own making. So then it's just something wrong with how I think. Maybe I'm always subconsciously sabotaging myself. Why just relax and go with the flow, when I could panic and worry all night, instead? Why look at the world and say "All is well," when I could give myself stress headaches about what I can mess up next? 

  ...

  I don't just do this with work.

  I went to see my shrink the other day -- I only see him every two months, when we have a brief check-in so he can make sure I'm not getting caught in some self-destructive cycle of some kind.

  As I was describing what I've been up to, he pointed out that I make a lot of rules.

  "Read as many books as possible in a year. They have to be at least 150 pages each. It's OK if they're audiobooks, as long as they're unabridged. That way I can read even when I'm driving." -Why 150 pages? Why unabridged? "Dunno. That's just the way it is. I can't really set a goal without having some kind of structure in place."

  "Don't buy any new clothes for a year. Required items that cannot be substituted, like bridesmaid dresses, are OK." -Are you having financial troubles, or are you trying to save more? "No, it's just an experiment." -Why? "I dunno. I was just curious. I'm a lawyer; I like having definition and rules."

  Ah. 

  ...

  I'm not sure where this post was supposed to begin or end, but I suppose that what it comes down to is that there appear to be two thoughts that steer me, even if I don't like admitting it (because there goes my free-spirited, free will illusion -- even if The Man isn't trying to keep me down, I can always just do it myself):

  (1) I should be doing this (whatever "this" is) better, faster, or smarter somehow.

  (2) All things (no matter how arbitrary or insignificant) must be defined.

  In the right context, they are probably productive thoughts to have. The first one makes me work harder, and the second one makes me a better lawyer. I just worry that they overflow out of their proper places and bleed into the rest of my life.

  Which is kind of what my clients were saying, even if they didn't realize that they were right, and contrary to whatever they may have intended, they weren't just putting an empty comment into the "areas for development" section on my performance review.

  • 12:12 am
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