July 11, 2010

  • it's oh so quiet

    It's quiet on Xanga, and I know that I have been quiet, myself. I've been doing a lot of things, thinking a lot of things, traveling, seeing people,  living life, keeping my public blogs updated, and Xanga just seems to get pushed back. It takes a while to decide what I want to write here, and even when I decide what to write, it's sometimes hard to get it down.

    Some recent thoughts:

    (1) I just got back from a trip to Z-town to see the old crew, and it's great to drop in on my old life, but hard to accept that it really is part of the past. I miss all of my old lives, and I wonder when I'm going to move on again and then miss this life.

    (2) A lot of my friends are going though major life changes: babies, weddings, engagements, new home purchases, and so on. I'm happy for them, but watching them spin their cocoons and get ready for their new lives makes me wonder even more as time goes on if I'm a grasshopper in a world of caterpillars and butterflies. These transformations seem strange and wonderful for them, but they remain completely foreign to me.

    (3) My parents and I may never really get it right. I'm too contrary and lacking in self-restraint, and they can't decide if they want to be friends or authority figures, which means that the relationship fails to fit into either mold.  

    (4) I love my friends and my friends love me, but I don't think "nice" or "kind" are the first words any of them would use to describe me. Maybe "blunt" or hopefully "faithful," but I've never really been the sweet girl who warms the cockles of everyone's hearts. I tend to say what I think (and sometimes I'll go even further and say things that I don't think, just to make a point) which can cut both ways -- either I'm the person who will save you from doing something really stupid, or I'm the person who will go straight for the kill shot without really thinking. I can see the downside of being so empathy-deficient, but I'm not sure that I can (or necessarily would want to) change it.

    (5) It is possible to love your life the way it is and still feel terribly restless and long for violent upheaval and radical change, for no real reason. Things are truly great, but sometimes, I feel like a kid who has painstakingly built the perfect city of blocks, and I just want to go in and knock everything down, just to see what would happen, and how it will look once I redesign and rebuild.