August 11, 2009

• patron saints

  I went to Catholic high school. I am an atheist. I sometimes wonder if the two are related.

  At lunch yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of patron saints. Patron saints have always amused me. In some cases, their “causes” make sense. Someone cures someone else of blindness, and she later becomes the patron saint of the blind, which I can understand.

  Others make less sense to me.

  How, for instance, do you become the patron saint of advertisers? And did you know that they’re touting this guy to be the patron saint of the internet? He died in 636, hundreds and hundreds of years before Al Gore invented the internet. Imagine him sitting up on some cloud somewhere for over 1,300 years, just chilling and playing foosball with Jesus and doing yoga, or whatever they do up there, and then someone comes up to him and says, “Hey, when people have problems with the internet, you gotta listen to them and help out.” “Huh? What’s the internet? I’m still trying to figure out what a printing press is.” Prayers to that guy are probably even less effective than conversations with call centers in India.

  And then there are the saints with really random lists of causes that they represent. I guess the good ones all got taken, and they have to take whatever bits and pieces are left. Check out this list: babies, blacksmiths, boatmen, cattle, chicken farmers, children whose parents are not married, fugitives, Ireland, Leinster, midwives, milk maids, nuns, poets, poor, printing presses, sailors, scholars, and travelers. Seriously? First of all, how did she get stuck with that pile of miscellaneous causes? Secondly, do all of those people know to whom to address their prayers? “Hm, I seem to be having an issue with my printing press. Thank goodness for St. Brigid.” I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard someone say that. On the other hand, maybe she’s the perfect patron saint for the baby of an unmarried, poor milkmaid and a traveling, scholarly poet, who was delivered on a boat by a fugitive Irish midwife.

  I love that there’s a patron saint against procrastination (who also happens to be the patron saint of hackers and programmers). I wonder if he tackles his prayer inbox immediately, or if he puts it off till later and just ends up writing a computer script to address the prayers when they come in. (On a side note, if he’s the patron saint of programmers and hackers, wouldn’t he be the more logical candidate to be the patron saint of the internet than the other guy?)

  If I ever get sainted, I will be the patron saint of atheists, small dogs, and bacon. I doubt I’ll have to put up with many prayers, which would make it the best saint gig ever. Good thing I’m not Catholic, or I’d probably go to hell for laughing about this stuff, eh?

  • 5:15 pm
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