March 27, 2008

• Bit by bit

  My first day of work is two months from today, if you count “today” as the 27th, which it technically no longer is, but I still count it as the 27th, since it was the 27th when I woke up this morning.

  It has been strange, dismantling my life in a piecemeal fashion. Most moves are short, sudden, and chaotic. Mine is long, drawn-out, and chaotic. You can never get rid of the chaotic part, can you?

  First was the end of work. Then a party. Then packing and moving stuff to Kanga’s place. Then moving into Apple’s (which involved more logistics than you would think would be required for a stay of two months, since Apple is an “everything in its right place” kind of person, which meant that everything I brought into the apartment had to be evaluated and its place found). Then the attempt to sell or find takers for all of my stuff – in the end, a few of my friends came and picked through the remnants of my life and took it away in shopping bags. Then the official moving out of my apartment (which is only halfway over – the landlord did an initial once-over today, and will do the final assessment on Saturday). Then the cancellation of phone lines and internet, deregistration with the authorities and final taxes, last travel arrangements and forms and stamps and signatures. Then the arrangements with the new employer for the shipment of person, dog, and belongings. And so on.

  That stuff is all stressful and time-consuming, but at least there is an official protocol for how it is done. How do you take apart the non-tangible, non-billable parts of your life? I didn’t know how to do it when I left Boston and New York, and I don’t know how to do it now, either.

  ***

  Caught up with a few friends in Amsterdam, and have been
  trying to get in lots of “One Last [___]” kinds of things while I still
  have the time. Still need to do one last fondue, and one last hamam.
  Kanga and I will soon have our one last weekend trip. There are so many
  One Lasts to do, I’m afraid I’ll forget some of them until it’s too
  late.

  ***

  Things have (un)fortunately been going really well with Apple. We spend a lot of time together, and haven’t killed each other yet, which is shocking, given his inability to stand chaos and my inability to avoid it. We went on a spontaneous road trip this past weekend, and he had a business trip during the week, and I decided to join him for the night. Even after all of that traveling together, we’re still talking to each other, miracle of miracles.

  We ate a lot. We spent a lot of time in saunas. We saw castles. I tried not to puke from carsickness. He missed out on a ski weekend. And we were both OK with it. It snowed for most of the weekend, and we didn’t care – in fact, the snow was really beautiful when we were in the outdoor thermal baths.

  We realize and try to forget that there aren’t that many weeks left between now and when I leave, but with that thought in a prominent corner of my mind (next to the pink elephant and purple hippopotamus and other things that are supposed to be ignored) I’ve booked tickets to join him on two business trips to Luxembourg. I can do my taxes and other miscellaneous administrative stuff while he works, and we can still see each other at night.

  We like to surprise each other – he left work early to pick me up at
  the airport when I got back from Amsterdam, and he popped out of the office to surprise me when my train got in on his business trip. I “stole” his camera and spent a cold, windy day in Amsterdam looking for a place to print a photo and a shop to buy a frame. We leave each other silly notes using dry erase markers on the mirror. He tries to sneak emails to me after I go to sleep so that I’ll read them in the morning after he’s already flown to Luxembourg. I sometimes even cook and do the dishes, and I have a severe dislike of dirty dishes, so much that when I told 2FX about it, he said, “Wow, this sounds serious.” D’oh.

  This is how pathetic I have become. Bleargh, I never wanted to be That Girl, and I didn’t think he would be that kind of guy. This definitely was not supposed to happen.

  ***

  Found out that my Foul Weather Friend’s fiance died in a diving accident a couple of weeks ago, and I have been a bit off-kilter since then. I am (was?) friends with them both, not great friends, but friends. I’ve gone diving with them both. In fact, he did my certification for Nitrox and drysuit diving. It’s horrifying to imagine being her – saying goodbye to him that morning and watching him load his gear and tanks into the car, and then not having him come back. And it’s terrifying to think that that could be me or anyone else I know who dives. Well, maybe not us, since we don’t do the hardcore tech diving that he was into, but it’s still unsettling. At least he died doing what he loved best, but sometimes you wish that life would give you a little more notice before fucking everything up, you know?

  ***

  Speaking of diving – Bonaire is steadily approaching! Not in a continental (or island) drift kind of way. Time-wise. Kanga is looking at swimsuits, Apple bought a Nano and a bunch of gear, I got a new mask and spring straps for my fins. It’s like spring, except that instead of crocuses and daffodils, we have bottles of sunscreen and bags of gear popping up all over the place. Sniffing the neoprene makes me happy – Pavlov for divers

  ***

  OK, I’m tired. Bedtime. Tomorrow and Saturday, I hope to get much more of the remainder of my life dismantled, so that I can go on living the part of it that I have kept without distraction.

  • 7:36 pm
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