August 28, 2010
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unfilial
Reason #314 I am a bad daughter/Reason #145 why it’s a bad idea to have children: when my mom sends an email saying, “I tentatively made Dec reservation. We shall spend Xmas together,” I have to repress a feeling of dread and wish I had either figured out how to change my identity or already made non-refundable plans to be somewhere else at the time. She was a weeping, guilt-tripping lunatic last year until her Christmas present arrived in the mail. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Yes, I’m an ungrateful and terrible daughter, but she should know this by now and accept that my sister, her husband, and their three kids are the “good ones.”
Three things that are causing this deep resentment: (1) work is never predictable for a lawyer, and it is sometimes worst at the end of the year, and when I do have time off, I just don’t want to spend it dealing with my passive-aggressive mom, (2) I have limited vacation days and time off, and I would really rather see her the other times she’s here (she is out here a lot) than kill what holiday time is built into my work calendar, and (3) I really don’t understand her insistence on spending a Christian Western holiday together when we aren’t Christian and she has spent the last 32 years telling me that we aren’t Western.
What is even more painful is that the way our holidays fall this year, assuming that I don’t have to work during the time, we have the 24th, 27th, 30th, 31st, and 3rd off. It’s a little bit of a Christmas miracle, even to a non-Christian like me — that means we can have eleven days off in a row by just taking two vacation days. Of course, this is all contingent on not having to do work, but that’s pretty much the best vacation time-to-time off ratio you’ll ever get. I wince just thinking about throwing that away on lame photo sessions and awkward conversations. Maybe if I had one of those happy, approving mothers, or if I were one of those good, well-behaved daughters, I would enjoy the prospect, but it’s hard to get psyched up to spend time with someone who is always dissatisfied that my life doesn’t fit her agenda. I would almost rather have work be busy, and spend the time pleasing clients who will then tell me that I’m a superstar, than have the time off and spend it parrying criticisms from my mom. Yes, I dread and resent it that much.
Never have children, or if you do, never have children like me, because they will turn you into a needy black hole of guilt trips and you’ll get nothing but grudging company in return.
Comments (1)
I take comfort in the fact that I’m not – or I’ve learned not to be – as passive aggressive as my mom can be. Which then helps me think that, should I have children, I’ll actually be able to spend some time pleasantly together with them.
Anyhow, your mom sounds maybe even worse than mine, but I’ve found that getting into the mindset that she has mental issues (so it’s not worth taking whatever she says personally) really helps. Then her tantrums just become kind of funny, and it makes it easier to smile and nod and say something like “Okay, I’ll take this into consideration and try harder next time. Sorry!” without an edge of bitterness.